How I Met the Great Unknown

How I Met the Great Unknown I met the Great Unknown in a seafood restaurant in Puerto Vallarta. Many people spend their lives waiting to meet the Great Unknown, not knowing that the Great Unknown is actually a middle-aged German woman. They don't recognize her at all.

I didn't recognize her at first either. The restaurant was crowded, so we shared a table. She had squid in ink, I had sand-dabs. We saw someone at another table with a platter of gooseneck barnacles. We agreed that they looked delicious and we ordered a platter to share.

The mind is a funny thing, but out of the blue, for no reason, I suddenly thought to myself "I'm sharing a platter of gooseneck barnacles with the Great Unknown." Just like that, I was certain. It was something about the way her eyes opened wide when she sucked out a barnacle that tipped me off. So I asked her "What is the Great Unknown doing in a seafood restaurant in Puerto Vallarta?" She said "I have a little extra money, so I can go just about anywhere within reason, and this seemed nice. How many barnacles have you had? I think I get six more."

I asked her how she came to be the Great Unknown. She said:

"I was in a department store in Paris and I fell down the last six or seven stairs of an escalator. The ambulance driver, who was an elderly man from Kenya, kept me company in the emergency room while waiting for treatment. Suddenly, just like that, I realized that the ambulance driver was the Great Uknown. It was something about the way he tapped his knees and hummed that tipped me off. I told him I knew he was the Great Unknown. He chuckled and said "And now you are."

"He then explained that since I knew he was the Great Unknown, he was not unknown anymore and he could no longer function as the Great Uknown. Therefore, I had inherited the role of the Great Unknown myself. I was shocked and somewhat dismayed. "I'm not unknown at all!" I said. "I have a family! What does 'unknown' even mean?" "You'll figure it out," he said

As I sucked the last barnacle, it dawned on me, rather quietly, that I was now the Great Unknown. The previous Great Unknown, now called simply Ursula, handed me a piece of paper with some instructions:

ROLES AND RESPONSIBILITIES OF THE GREAT UNKNOWN

1. The role of the Great Unknown is only to exist. The existance of the Great Unknown gives people hope. The Great Unknown and its so-called mystery does NOT exist to keep people in line. Nothing can do that. We have a team for keeping people in line and they're batting about .125. We might just defund them.

2. Many people expect that being the Great Unknown would have the reciprocal property of knowing everything. It does not. Being the Great Unknown does not make you the Great Known. That is a completely different job.

3. You will receive a medium-sized tax-free monthly stipend for no particular reason. It is for your entire life, even when you are no longer the Great Unknown. You will wonder where the funding for that stipend comes from. We have invented a great-aunt Nellie for you who has left you an inheritance, or something like that. We like to tie up our loose ends.

4. You can only be the Great Unknown once. Also, you can't make someone else the Great Unknown simply by telling them that you are the Great Unknown. Everyone tries that. It doesn't work. People just think you're loony.

5. There is no other Great Unknown. Or is there?

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